Oxycontin, Anyone?

Dear Vinyl,

I've developed an Oxycontin habit. What should I do about it?

Distressed American Not Into Ezine Learning

•••

Dear DANIEL,
I'd say go to a doctor and ask if there's anything that they can give you. Maybe start exercising so you can make yourself feel good and get rid of the pain that way.
Sincerely,
EJE (who isn't funny)

Distressed--
Switch to Advil or heroin. Then fish custard.
Best wishes,
IBI

Take a camping trip far, far out in the woods. Bring nothing except the clothes on your back. Maybe not even those. AND NO OXYCONTIN. Spend exactly twelve days out there, alone, removed from society and away from your addiction. Your first couple of days will probably be spent sobbing over the loss of your Oxycontin, but afterward you'll learn to care about more pressing matters such as how to get something to eat and how to go to the bathroom using only leaves and how to escape from bears and wildebeests. Soon enough you will forget you ever had an addiction. After that, you can return to society where you can live as a normal human, if you haven't contracted tetanus and/or cholera.
Best of luck,
Clyde

Zach, The Pregnant One

Hello there,

I am OCD and I obsess over microwaves and looking at my middle toe every 4 seconds. PLEASE HELP ME!

I also am a pretzel addict. I can't get enough of them. I eat and eat, and now I weight 348 pounds. What is wrong with me? I need to go on a diet, I tried eating only plastic but that did not work. What do you suggest?

My name is Zach, I am 16 and pregnant with my third son.

Thank you so much. 

•••

Dear Pregnant,
Put something you reeeeally hate on your middle toe. For example, broccoli or a picture of your least favorite teacher. Then every time you see it, you'll scream and never look at your toe again. As for the microwaves, if you stand a few inches away from one while it's going for long enough, maybe you'll magically "get better"... I'm evil.
Try eating chocolate instead of pretzels. It will make you skinnier! (Because you can't gain weight when eating chocolate, right? RIGHT?!?!)
Congrats on your babiez! But don't you think you're a little young? I would also consider asking your parents why they gave you a name that is typically male.
Sincerely,
EJE

Dear Preggers,
Thank you for standing as a testament to how abstinence-only sex education in the state of Texas will never succeed in actually keeping the American public from becoming blatantly pregnant. Is there another way to be pregnant? Maybe.
ADDITIONALLY, you stand as a testament to how Americans are becoming more and more obese because of their uncontrollable greed. Have you no self-control? No! No, you don't! Is this how we want the next generation of Americans to grow up? Addicted to pretzels and unable to seek help from a trained medical professional because they would rather be able to complain about it to a panel of advice experts. Or perhaps this is because Americans can no longer divide medical professionals from acronyms!
AS SUCH, I conclude that you ought to convert to fish custard from pretzels.
Best wishes,
IBI

Hey there, Zacharoo!
Okay, seriously? Microwaves? I do no understand, Zach! I do no understand! Microwaves are not especially attractive. They are not especially witty, either. And they are not the most amusing of fruits. They are shiny, yes, but that shininess is lying to you, Zach! Microwaves are not particularly alluring or curvaceous and, in my experience, their personalities are somewhat lacking. I am sure you would see this if you turned your attention away from your middle toe.
Did you have your children with this microwave you are so obsessed with? If so, it may be necessary for you to seek relationship counseling, for your children's sake. You could try going to Sears. I have heard they will help you with any of your appliance problems. If your children have another daddy, however, I think you should just throw all the microwaves you can see out of the window of a six story building. That will help you get over your obsession with them and also help you work off some of that pretzel fat.
Best of luck,
Clyde

A Real Problem!

Dear Vinyl Staff,

I have a bit of a dilemma or more of a problem. As I am a teenager my problem obviously involves a relationship (big surprise). Anyways, there's this girl I have a crush on, a very Big crush. She's really sweet, kind, and pretty. Both of us are very shy, and neither of us have ever been in a relationship. Do you have any tips on how I can tell her that I like her? Any advice would be great.

Thanks Vinyl!

•••

OH MY GOD THIS IS THE CUTEST THING IN THE ENTIRE WORLD.
*ahem*
Okay, IBI just told me that you would probably be embarrassed by me saying this, but whatever. I would like you to know to know that I said "awwww!" after reading this.
Anyways, now to the advice. The way I have often found out who I like liked was by getting a mutual friend who I trusted to ask him. She'll probably say something like (to your friend), "Um... why do you care?" But if your friend can get her to trust him/her, then you'll probably be able to find out who she likes. This is the simplest way if you're both shy. Also, if she's really pretty, tell her that. Just say something like, "Hey, you look nice today." I know I would appreciate the compliment (as long as y'all are friends), because it's simple and not all, "You are *heavy breathing* gorgeous," which is kinda creepy. Anyway, if you're shy, get a friend to do it. 

Sincerely,

EJE

Hooray, somebody who actually is worried enough to send us real advice questions!
Definitely tell her. Preferably in person. And soon. Try asking if she wants to go and do something, like get a cuppa or whatever, something that you could later say was completely platonic and just really fun if it goes sour or awkward. And I most definitely agree with EJE--compliments are the best, even if it's something that doesn't really matter--actually, especially if it's something like her appearance.
- IBI

I agree with everyone else, this is really sweet. I think it'd be best to spit it out and tell her. The more you prepare for it, the less genuine it will seem. Spontaneous gestures of kindness are always really nice. If you keep your feelings bottled up, you'll miss your chance here. That will be something you'll regret later if you really like her. So.. Do it! Be straightforward. And make sure you're somewhere she can hear you.. Nothing is more discouraging than having to repeat things like this. It's hard enough saying it the first time.

Sincerely,

OMO

EEP! This IS amazingly sweet. I think you should go for it and just ask her out or tell her you like her. If she really is as amazing as you think, she'll be nice about it even if she says she doesn't like you the same way. Keep in mind that because she's never been in a relationship before, she has nothing to compare your asking-out abilities to and isn't going to judge you. Just remember to be casual and sweet about it, without seeming like a creeper. Even if she doesn't like you, she'll likely take it as a compliment and be happy that you told her.
Sincerely,
Clyde

Someone messed up on their email...

The basic summary of it is that I have two families. One here in Austin and one in Mexico. I love both of my families very much, but i just can't find the time to travel back and forth, especially with all the home work i have to do, and now that I have black ops?! The time just seems to float away. I have an amazing wife and two kids with both families, but i'm not sure what to do. My son Pablo in Mexico is always asking Juana why I can never be around. Pobresito. Necesito ayudar. I need your help.
 Muchas gracias, Earl Rodriquez

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Dear "Earl",
Um... you're a guy, right? Dump both families and play Black Ops for the rest of your life. That's the obvious choice! You can go live with your mom in her basement and eat ramen for the rest of your life. There are single moms everywhere, and your wives can still live with you if they want (making your sammiches). The only girl a guy really needs in life is his mom anyway ♥
Sincerely,
EJE (Who thinks her and "Earl" should totes say more than 2 words to each other since they haven't talked in almost 2 years.)

Earl, you are quite the player! Two ladies? Daaaaaaayum.
Anyway, if you want to keep your two ladies, it is probably time for your two families to meet each other. In fact, you could all move in together and form a commune! That way, you'll be able to spend time with both families and you'll have to do even less work because you'll have two ladies around to do all of it for you! That means twice the time for Black Ops and twice the sammiches, as EJE so eloquently said.
Good luck!
Clyde

Of Bad Music and Shame

Dear Vinyl,

I really like bad 80s music, but I'm ashamed to admit it. How do I overcome this?

From,

Hooked On Excellent Sounds

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Dear HOES (*giggle*),

Try telling your dog. Dogs think that their owners are the best people in the world, so repeat after me:

"Fido, I like bad 80's music."

Your dog will proceed to turn their head and try to lick your face. After getting it out to your dog, try your cat, baby cousin, etc. until you can tell your parents. They might disown you, or give you a copy of SGT PEPPER'S LONELY HEARTS CLUB BAND. Hopefully the latter, since the Beatles can cure everything.

Sincerely,

EJE

Hooked--

BAD EIGHTIES MUSIC? Is it AMERICAN?

If you want to become more comfortable admitting the fact, try telling one person who can then tell everyone else. Then they'll all be laughing about it behind your back instead of in your face! Isn't that good?

Best wishes,

IBI

Dear Hooked,

Your shame is quite unnecessary. Unless displaying your low-self esteem is your goal, I would advise you to either profess your obsession to the world (i.e. social networking sites, ) or eradicate its presence in your thoughts rather than trying to hide it. Eradication of this affliction may be easiest if you listen to one song, for example, "Mary had a little lamb", over and over and over and over again. Then, instead of being obsessed with 80s music, you'll be unable to get this nursery-rhymey song out of your head for long enough to think about any other form of music.

Yours truly, etc,

OMO

Ok, are you trying to overcome the bad 80s music liking or the being ashamed of it? Because I see but one problem and it is not your self esteem issues...

Anyway, to cure this whole liking-bad-music thing, I suggest you try going to an ORTHODONTIST.

That is right. You see, orthodontists are known for playing extensive amounts of bad 80s music. And trust me, once you have had a wad of clay shoved into your mouth, followed by an enormous metal torture contraption and hours of tooth polishing (a nice name for grinding your teeth with tiny, demonic wheels), while listening to the music you love, you will NEVER EVER be able to listen to it the same way. That should cure you of your sad affliction.

Love,

Clyde

Gunpowdergunpowdergunpowder

I have an awful problem. It's the gunpowder. I've almost been caught by my boss multiple times going behind the building at lunch to buy some, and I know that I should quit, but it's more complicated than that. My wife is a total addict, not just taking a snort every day or so,  but like, if she doesn't have some gunpowder in her she goes INSANE, and she get SOOOO MAD. But I love her and I don't want this happening to her or me. so yesterday I told her that I can't bring myself to keep buying the stuff, and she said she'd leave me if I stop getting it for her. It seems like the only thing she's still with me for is the gunpowder. I really love her, but I don't know what I should do about this. Please help.

Sincerely, Gerald McKlintoq

•••

Dear Gerald McKlintoq,

I've got a very simply solution: go camping and cook over an open fire. If she has gunpowder in her system, then after cooking over this fire, you shouldn't have any problems with her (or yourself) anymore. Just make sure you know someone who will clean up afterwards. >:)

Yes, I know I'm a bad person.

Sincerely, 

EJE

Gerald--

I'd recommend that you ask your wife why she wants to keep feeding this addiction. What draw does it have? Why? Try asking her if she'd trade her addiction for another, one that is less, to use an idiom frequently used by Americans, hard to swallow (an idiom about food--no wonder Americans use it so often).

Perhaps you can work through this together with her.

And if not... well, you know how to see if something is yours: let it go, and if it comes back, well, it might be better than being essploded. AND IF NOT, feel free to find someone LESS INTO STRANGE THINGS.

Best wishes,

IBI

Mr. McKlintoq,

If you're at all interested in continuing to face this problem, I would suggest a trip to the tattoo parlor. A nice big "FLAMMABLE" across your foreheads should be sufficient warning for anyone who dares to light fires in your presence.   I fear that if you don't do this immediately, cremation may occur sooner in your life than you would like to think. If your wife persists in her habits, the only other thing I can propose is to make sure she drinks several liters of water a day to offset her flammability. 

Yours truly, etc,

OMO

Gerald,
Why are you still with that horrible woman? She clearly only wants you for your gunpowder connection. I agree with EJEs suggestion to take her camping, only cook YOUR WIFE over an open fire instead of your food. You will no longer feel pressured to continue your addiction and you can go on with your wonderful life.
Have fun!
Clyde