Gunpowdergunpowdergunpowder

I have an awful problem. It's the gunpowder. I've almost been caught by my boss multiple times going behind the building at lunch to buy some, and I know that I should quit, but it's more complicated than that. My wife is a total addict, not just taking a snort every day or so,  but like, if she doesn't have some gunpowder in her she goes INSANE, and she get SOOOO MAD. But I love her and I don't want this happening to her or me. so yesterday I told her that I can't bring myself to keep buying the stuff, and she said she'd leave me if I stop getting it for her. It seems like the only thing she's still with me for is the gunpowder. I really love her, but I don't know what I should do about this. Please help.

Sincerely, Gerald McKlintoq

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Dear Gerald McKlintoq,

I've got a very simply solution: go camping and cook over an open fire. If she has gunpowder in her system, then after cooking over this fire, you shouldn't have any problems with her (or yourself) anymore. Just make sure you know someone who will clean up afterwards. >:)

Yes, I know I'm a bad person.

Sincerely, 

EJE

Gerald--

I'd recommend that you ask your wife why she wants to keep feeding this addiction. What draw does it have? Why? Try asking her if she'd trade her addiction for another, one that is less, to use an idiom frequently used by Americans, hard to swallow (an idiom about food--no wonder Americans use it so often).

Perhaps you can work through this together with her.

And if not... well, you know how to see if something is yours: let it go, and if it comes back, well, it might be better than being essploded. AND IF NOT, feel free to find someone LESS INTO STRANGE THINGS.

Best wishes,

IBI

Mr. McKlintoq,

If you're at all interested in continuing to face this problem, I would suggest a trip to the tattoo parlor. A nice big "FLAMMABLE" across your foreheads should be sufficient warning for anyone who dares to light fires in your presence.   I fear that if you don't do this immediately, cremation may occur sooner in your life than you would like to think. If your wife persists in her habits, the only other thing I can propose is to make sure she drinks several liters of water a day to offset her flammability. 

Yours truly, etc,

OMO

Gerald,
Why are you still with that horrible woman? She clearly only wants you for your gunpowder connection. I agree with EJEs suggestion to take her camping, only cook YOUR WIFE over an open fire instead of your food. You will no longer feel pressured to continue your addiction and you can go on with your wonderful life.
Have fun!
Clyde