Zach, The Pregnant One

Hello there,

I am OCD and I obsess over microwaves and looking at my middle toe every 4 seconds. PLEASE HELP ME!

I also am a pretzel addict. I can't get enough of them. I eat and eat, and now I weight 348 pounds. What is wrong with me? I need to go on a diet, I tried eating only plastic but that did not work. What do you suggest?

My name is Zach, I am 16 and pregnant with my third son.

Thank you so much. 

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Dear Pregnant,
Put something you reeeeally hate on your middle toe. For example, broccoli or a picture of your least favorite teacher. Then every time you see it, you'll scream and never look at your toe again. As for the microwaves, if you stand a few inches away from one while it's going for long enough, maybe you'll magically "get better"... I'm evil.
Try eating chocolate instead of pretzels. It will make you skinnier! (Because you can't gain weight when eating chocolate, right? RIGHT?!?!)
Congrats on your babiez! But don't you think you're a little young? I would also consider asking your parents why they gave you a name that is typically male.
Sincerely,
EJE

Dear Preggers,
Thank you for standing as a testament to how abstinence-only sex education in the state of Texas will never succeed in actually keeping the American public from becoming blatantly pregnant. Is there another way to be pregnant? Maybe.
ADDITIONALLY, you stand as a testament to how Americans are becoming more and more obese because of their uncontrollable greed. Have you no self-control? No! No, you don't! Is this how we want the next generation of Americans to grow up? Addicted to pretzels and unable to seek help from a trained medical professional because they would rather be able to complain about it to a panel of advice experts. Or perhaps this is because Americans can no longer divide medical professionals from acronyms!
AS SUCH, I conclude that you ought to convert to fish custard from pretzels.
Best wishes,
IBI

Hey there, Zacharoo!
Okay, seriously? Microwaves? I do no understand, Zach! I do no understand! Microwaves are not especially attractive. They are not especially witty, either. And they are not the most amusing of fruits. They are shiny, yes, but that shininess is lying to you, Zach! Microwaves are not particularly alluring or curvaceous and, in my experience, their personalities are somewhat lacking. I am sure you would see this if you turned your attention away from your middle toe.
Did you have your children with this microwave you are so obsessed with? If so, it may be necessary for you to seek relationship counseling, for your children's sake. You could try going to Sears. I have heard they will help you with any of your appliance problems. If your children have another daddy, however, I think you should just throw all the microwaves you can see out of the window of a six story building. That will help you get over your obsession with them and also help you work off some of that pretzel fat.
Best of luck,
Clyde