Oxycontin, Anyone?

Dear Vinyl,

I've developed an Oxycontin habit. What should I do about it?

Distressed American Not Into Ezine Learning

•••

Dear DANIEL,
I'd say go to a doctor and ask if there's anything that they can give you. Maybe start exercising so you can make yourself feel good and get rid of the pain that way.
Sincerely,
EJE (who isn't funny)

Distressed--
Switch to Advil or heroin. Then fish custard.
Best wishes,
IBI

Take a camping trip far, far out in the woods. Bring nothing except the clothes on your back. Maybe not even those. AND NO OXYCONTIN. Spend exactly twelve days out there, alone, removed from society and away from your addiction. Your first couple of days will probably be spent sobbing over the loss of your Oxycontin, but afterward you'll learn to care about more pressing matters such as how to get something to eat and how to go to the bathroom using only leaves and how to escape from bears and wildebeests. Soon enough you will forget you ever had an addiction. After that, you can return to society where you can live as a normal human, if you haven't contracted tetanus and/or cholera.
Best of luck,
Clyde